three

i'm starting to realize depression's always been bubbling up inside of me...
but now that i'm a mom, it's been fighting to get out.  maybe so i could just DEAL with it already.

i've tried several times to deal with depression.
i've been told those several times that i am not, in fact, depressed.

i wanted this blog to be my outlet.  and then i fell into my own little rabbit hole and couldn't make sense or get my feelings out enough to make them relatable.

my husband's lies only compound my feelings of failure.  in so many regards.
i'm afraid if i start talking i'll never shuttup.
so i've been absent for many months.

i have not yet promoted the blog- so i have no other people's stories to post.

i need to feel better.
about my marriage.
about my life.
now.

NOW.

two

Unfortunately, I'm constantly wondering what so many others out there are as well:

When will it ever be better?

I can't imagine things will ever be the same between my husband and I, since I had found out he had been lying to me the whole time we have been together (the better part of 15 years).  I have struggled daily with this realization for over a year now.  And he is right--- I have not gotten over it (and don't really know how, actually).

The action(s) he has lied to me about hurt me.  They make me question who he is- and why we're even together.  But the lying itself has completely changed me.
I can't stop feeling like a gullible schmuck.  I can't stop feeling disgusted with him because he could be so tremendously callous and lie quite easily (repeatedly) to my face.

To my face.

I don't know how to stop some parts of me from being angry.  I worry that he will pass this horrible characteristic on to our little girl.  It's disrespectful and damaging.  And I take it (way too) seriously.

I'm numb to the fact that he really has made some changes in this regard.  I feel silly putting him on a "pedestal" because Lo! he isn't lying.  Well, congratufuckinlations.  You are treating me like a normal human being.  Do you want a medal?

I feel like we are at a standstill. 
Living with this knowledge for over a year.
And it still hurts me like when I first discovered.

Seriously- I just don't know how to repair this.

one

My first confession is that I needed to start this blog in the first place.  I am really beginning to feel overwhelmed and at a loss in life.  I have said to my husband on more than one occasion that "I need help!" and each time, it was met with silence instead of reassurance or security.

I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head these days.  So I hope to be able to use this as a safe place to get them out.  My hope is that once I share what I'm feeling, I will no longer be haunted by them daily.