i'm starting to realize depression's always been bubbling up inside of me...
but now that i'm a mom, it's been fighting to get out. maybe so i could just DEAL with it already.
i've tried several times to deal with depression.
i've been told those several times that i am not, in fact, depressed.
i wanted this blog to be my outlet. and then i fell into my own little rabbit hole and couldn't make sense or get my feelings out enough to make them relatable.
my husband's lies only compound my feelings of failure. in so many regards.
i'm afraid if i start talking i'll never shuttup.
so i've been absent for many months.
i have not yet promoted the blog- so i have no other people's stories to post.
i need to feel better.
about my marriage.
about my life.
now.
NOW.
Showing posts with label lying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lying. Show all posts
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
two
Unfortunately, I'm constantly wondering what so many others out there are as well:
When will it ever be better?
I can't imagine things will ever be the same between my husband and I, since I had found out he had been lying to me the whole time we have been together (the better part of 15 years). I have struggled daily with this realization for over a year now. And he is right--- I have not gotten over it (and don't really know how, actually).
The action(s) he has lied to me about hurt me. They make me question who he is- and why we're even together. But the lying itself has completely changed me.
I can't stop feeling like a gullible schmuck. I can't stop feeling disgusted with him because he could be so tremendously callous and lie quite easily (repeatedly) to my face.
To my face.
I don't know how to stop some parts of me from being angry. I worry that he will pass this horrible characteristic on to our little girl. It's disrespectful and damaging. And I take it (way too) seriously.
I'm numb to the fact that he really has made some changes in this regard. I feel silly putting him on a "pedestal" because Lo! he isn't lying. Well, congratufuckinlations. You are treating me like a normal human being. Do you want a medal?
I feel like we are at a standstill.
Living with this knowledge for over a year.
And it still hurts me like when I first discovered.
Seriously- I just don't know how to repair this.
When will it ever be better?
I can't imagine things will ever be the same between my husband and I, since I had found out he had been lying to me the whole time we have been together (the better part of 15 years). I have struggled daily with this realization for over a year now. And he is right--- I have not gotten over it (and don't really know how, actually).
The action(s) he has lied to me about hurt me. They make me question who he is- and why we're even together. But the lying itself has completely changed me.
I can't stop feeling like a gullible schmuck. I can't stop feeling disgusted with him because he could be so tremendously callous and lie quite easily (repeatedly) to my face.
To my face.
I don't know how to stop some parts of me from being angry. I worry that he will pass this horrible characteristic on to our little girl. It's disrespectful and damaging. And I take it (way too) seriously.
I'm numb to the fact that he really has made some changes in this regard. I feel silly putting him on a "pedestal" because Lo! he isn't lying. Well, congratufuckinlations. You are treating me like a normal human being. Do you want a medal?
I feel like we are at a standstill.
Living with this knowledge for over a year.
And it still hurts me like when I first discovered.
Seriously- I just don't know how to repair this.
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