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Unfortunately, I'm constantly wondering what so many others out there are as well:

When will it ever be better?

I can't imagine things will ever be the same between my husband and I, since I had found out he had been lying to me the whole time we have been together (the better part of 15 years).  I have struggled daily with this realization for over a year now.  And he is right--- I have not gotten over it (and don't really know how, actually).

The action(s) he has lied to me about hurt me.  They make me question who he is- and why we're even together.  But the lying itself has completely changed me.
I can't stop feeling like a gullible schmuck.  I can't stop feeling disgusted with him because he could be so tremendously callous and lie quite easily (repeatedly) to my face.

To my face.

I don't know how to stop some parts of me from being angry.  I worry that he will pass this horrible characteristic on to our little girl.  It's disrespectful and damaging.  And I take it (way too) seriously.

I'm numb to the fact that he really has made some changes in this regard.  I feel silly putting him on a "pedestal" because Lo! he isn't lying.  Well, congratufuckinlations.  You are treating me like a normal human being.  Do you want a medal?

I feel like we are at a standstill. 
Living with this knowledge for over a year.
And it still hurts me like when I first discovered.

Seriously- I just don't know how to repair this.

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My first confession is that I needed to start this blog in the first place.  I am really beginning to feel overwhelmed and at a loss in life.  I have said to my husband on more than one occasion that "I need help!" and each time, it was met with silence instead of reassurance or security.

I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head these days.  So I hope to be able to use this as a safe place to get them out.  My hope is that once I share what I'm feeling, I will no longer be haunted by them daily.